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Monday, November 12, 2007

Non-Ornamental Illness

This weekend was a rollercoaster of emotions. I sold a painting...a large one, which really helps since this past month or two has been dead dead dead for the online sales. The family who bought it saw it at Sundance Cinema a few months ago. Sundance, by the way, called me back for a return showing a few weeks ago since the people/gallery/organization they had scheduled pulled out at the last minute because they thought Sundance's exposure would "dilute" their "image"--ok, whatever...I'm really glad I showed there, not just because it resulted in a sale of a large piece, but just because it's good exposure. At first I thought the people who pulled out were maybe some kind of snooty artschool conceptual theory types, but when I found their gallery online, I was really amazed that they had the nerve to pull out of a classy venue like Sundance. Well, their loss is my gain.

Anyway, I'm digressing. I was feeling a bit melancholy missing Letha and how her magenta rainbows will never embrace our wall again. And then Stan found a new lump on Lucifer Sam. This one is on his back.

The rest of the night I spent puking and endlessly voiding myself. I stayed up all night in a delirium, like a bad drunken reaction or a horrible flu. I simply cannot take another episode of these pet disasters. I hate to play favorites, but Lucifer Sam is my favorite pet. And this happening to him again is too much for me.

I suspect I have a panic disorder. But all the triggers are known, they don't happen out of the blue. Recently, it has been pet health issues, like when I thought the little kitten was horribly ill because he had diarrhea and vomited...all it was was too much running and a change of food. But the lump...a couple months after his other cancer...this is just too much.

I couldn't eat anything yesterday, but towards the middle of the day I had Stan get me some donuts. That was the only thing I had a taste for. Why donuts? Who knows. These situations give me weird cravings, usually for food I normally don't eat. We seldom ever eat donuts. We probably average one donut a year. Except this year sort of blew that average because of yesterday.

We take Lucifer Sam in today to get checked. I am so fearful.

I get these attacks when something is messing with my life, either with pet health issues, or when people mess with me interpersonally. This last one with the Pug was the worst yet. Stan said I looked really weak and pale. I looked up panic disorder online, but it seems those are more spontaneous in occurrence. This is not spontaneous or an unknown trigger. I know exactly what causes it. I'd be just fine if there was no lump on my Pug. I'd have been just fine in the past if people weren't being assholes. I'm not talking run-of-the-mill difficult customers, I'm talking people who have it in for you through no fault of your own, because they're mentally unstable or petty or bullies, or whatever, and they act like 10-year-olds even though they're adults.

Last night I had an embarrassing dream that I was making love to Johnny Depp. His hair was too short, though, pity. I kept wondering in the dream "what does he want with ME?"

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7 Comments:

Blogger Erik said...

Hope it goes well with Lucifer Sam, this time too.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Stan said...

You really need to stop repressing your feelings for Johnny Depp and watch more movies he is in. I always want to see "Dead Man", and it has become my all time favorite movie.

It's really sad that your health is so affected by pet stress. Remember the episode on "Lost" where the Doctor is helping Shannon through a panic attack? Maybe we should watch that episode again and study the intervention method Dr. Sheppard uses on Shannon.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

You have the impression that I have some big ole fat crush on Johnny and I don't. Yes, I think he's attractive in the movies (especially with long hair), but that's ALL it is. Of course you'd probably say that I'm repressing something!

Shannon was having an asthma attack, not a panic attack. The method used was herbs that Sun found, I don't think Jack helped that much. Unless you're thinking of something else.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Stan said...

Thank you for the clarifications.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Lavender said...

It could very well be a panic attack. I have found that "yoga" style breathing helps me get through one.

Take a deep breath, and hold it, for five heartbeats, exhale slowly, hold it for five, and repeat. You may not be able to do the whole five heartbeats right away, and that is ok. Just practice. I think anxiety attacks are different from panic attacks, and you might want to try a medication to help calm you down. Or, drink some chamomile tea, take a relaxing bath, try using lavender essential oil in the bath or as a room spray. You may even try making yourself some worry beads that you can run your fingers over to help calm you, or a worry stone. I don't know how much you know about the healing lore of stones, but http://www.crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysical_healing.html has some information on which stones help with what. There are some stones that help with anxiety.

I see in your post above that the vet thinks lucifer sam will be ok and I sure hope so! It is very stressful when our "kids" get sick!

Oh, and happy turkey day.

10:46 PM  
Blogger Lavender said...

Ok. I am such a busy-body that I looked some up myself for you.
anxiety: azurite-malachite, bloodstone, dolomite, fluorite, hematite, labradorite, lepidolite, richterite

calming/soothing: agate, amber, aventurine, blue lace agate, herkimer diamond, lepidolite, opal, richterite, rose quartz, selenite, snow quartz, spinel, topaz, tourmaline.

intestinal / digestive: amber, aquamarine, barite, celestine, chrysocolla, citrine, clear quartz, pyrite, jasper, labradorite, laguna agate, moss agate, obsidian, onyx, peridot, smokey quartz, thulite

Sorry I haven't been around much. I am so busy with school lately, and my husband has been home for 3 weeks straight!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

That's ok Dawn, I haven't been around much either...Stan and I keep passing colds to eachother.

As far as the stones, I'm pretty much a skeptic on all things metaphysical...God, New Age, ghosts, divining,etc.. OK, I'm down right atheistic. I've read about stones, but the way I see it, if a stone is beautiful, you like the color, think it is pretty, you'll feel good. It won't matter if it is Lapis, Rhodochrosite, Amethyst or Quartz. If you like it, it'll relax you. I think stones are important because I think it's important to surround oneself with beauty. Even if you live in a basement apartment in a big ugly city, most everyone can afford a little stone, or a low-light plant. So I surround myself with stones and plants, but other than enjoying their presence and lowering my blood pressure due to the effect of being happy, I don't think the stones possess any intrinsic value (other than artifically, i.e., what the market says they're worth as a product). That's just my take on it, and since I work with stones all the time in my jewelry, I should be the healthiest person around if they did what they are purported to do, but I'm not. Other people's mileage may vary...if they work for you, that's great, but when I feel like the way I did in my post, I don't think anything would snap me out of it other than a) good news from the vet that my animal is ok or b) a shot of valium. :^)

12:13 PM  

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