03:22:2004 Entry: "Ann : If I were a good man I'd understand the spaces between friends"
If I were a good man I'd understand the spaces between friends
I couldn't sleep last night as I wondered if Tim would be alive in the morning. His gums wouldn't stop bleeding even though he took some topical treatment for it. The nurse said that as long as it was only spotting, it would be ok. He refused to let Stan take him to the emergency room. He doesn't understand how this is hurting us. This is not good for my health either. I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart pound.
Stan decided not to call him in the morning to check in. I mean, what good would it do anyway? He either bled to death last night or he didn't, in which case he'll go to his teaching job like normal. There's only so much you can do.
So is it selfish of the sick to refuse treatment because that hurts the people that care about them, or is it selfish of the sick's friends to want the sick to accept treatment? Who is being selfish? I don't know the answer.
I did have a dream last night...something about Bill and a lizard I think, but I can't remember. I can't remember my dreams well at all lately, not since this Tim thing started happening.
I found online the 5 stages of grief: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. I don't think I'm going through this properly, but then again, it's probably all postmodern late 20th century psychobabble as so much of Stage and Steps therapy concepts are (with a twist of religion thrown in for populist appeal measure). See, I was really depressed over the holidays, shortly after we found out about Tim's condition. But I don't think it was related to Tim...it was related to me and my own thing I was going through with my hatred for the holidays and parent and in-law problems. It seemed like I was in the Acceptance stage with Tim immediately. But I'm also in the Anger stage. And I can't get out of it. What's there to Deny? What's there to Bargain for? Nothing. There's not a DAMN thing I or Stan can do. We've tried...we've wanted him to quit smoking for a long time, we've supported him when he tried. But there's only so much you can help a person if they won't help themselves.
I never felt Tim took seriously our pet deaths, even though he cooed over them so much when they were alive. Not when Vladimir died, not when Natasha died, not even when Hieronymus, his favorite, died. I wonder if this is at the root of my feelings, because he wasn't compassionate enough when I needed it, that somehow this is blocking me for feeling true sadness about him. I feel anger instead. I feel my temper is short and there is only so much I can tolerate, even though intellectually I know I should be feeling differently. I just can't.
So, I have only been online sporadic the last months and I have been wondering where you are as you haven't been posting lately, I came by today to ask Stan about you, glad to see you're at least physical alright as I was worried you were sick or something. I don't know if there's something serious going on with Tim and if that is what has kept you away for so long, if you have written about him before, I've missed it.
"So is it selfish of the sick to refuse treatment because that hurts the people that care about them, or is it selfish of the sick's friends to want the sick to accept treatment? Who is being selfish? I don't know the answer."
I've often been thinking about this question, also concidering suicide, like is it selfish to want someone to live because one would miss them, I don't know the answer either.
Maybe people who don't have pets themselves don't understand that one can get as attached to a pet as to a person.
Posted by Nico @ 03:24:2004:05:38 AM CST
Hi Nico, I guess I've been preoccupied with other things. I don't have glasses right now (they're temporarily int he shop, so excuse any typos. I'm not looking at the screen because I have to put my face 2 inches in front it it to see, and that's not good for my sight either. I can't wear my contacts all day, so I'm trying to conserve them for when I really need them.
http://ornamentalillness.com/ann/00000827.shtml is the link where I first mentioned tim. Sorry it will probably not hyperlink so you will have to cut and paste but I can't see to do a hyperlink properly if you know what I mean.
I guess I've jutb een too proupied lately with other things. and haven't felt much like wriging.
Posted by Ann @ 03:24:2004:09:06 AM CST
Hope they get your glasses fixed soon. The link works fine. I've been very self-absorbed for awhile so I've missed the post about Tim's stroke, it's awful, especially concidering his age, I'm very sorry. Thanks for filling me in as I will start to read you regulary again now.
Posted by Nico @ 03:24:2004:02:47 PM CST
Thanks, Nico. He has many more things wrong with him (physically) than just the Marfan's and the stroke. I mean, it's rather unbelievable what doctors can uncover once you have a major health malfunction. I won't get into it all here though.
Man, did I have a lot of typos in that previous post or what! Glasses are back now though.
Posted by Ann @ 03:25:2004:11:09 AM CST
Yes, that's the scary thing about doctors, they dig up diseases you didn't know existed, and if there's nothing to do about them anyway you might have had a better life not knowing and worrying about them, I belive. Hopefully there's at least something they can do for Tim - if he only would listen to you and see a doctor when it's obviously needed.
Yes, it's hard to do without glasses when you get used to them.
Posted by Nico @ 03:26:2004:05:53 AM CST