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04:01:2005 Entry: "Ann : My Faded Cheshire Cat Smile"

My Faded Cheshire Cat Smile

I was thinking that it would be really cool if someone could make a movie that is not a straight line from beginning to end, but is mutable based on a random selection, sort of like various javascript random name selection things, for example. It wouldn't be a moviehouse movie, but a DVD...each time you inserted the dvd, it would select different turns of events at random based on characters decisions, yet it would make sense, sort of like a flowchart. But you wouldn't manipulate it yourself (I'm thinking of video games here), it would just randomize itself.

For example, I know there have been movies made recently that have different endings, and if I'm not mistaken, when these movies are on DVD, sometimes you don't know which ending it will show (I could be wrong about the existence of this, but at least I know there are DVDs with different endings to movies, and it probably wouldn't be that hard for software scripters to write a script that would randomly pick an ending each time you watch it). Except this would be multiplied, because not only the endings would be different, but other outcomes would be different, dependent on characters choices.

It's like when you think about your life and you wonder, "what if I never moved here," and you picture this parallel life, sort of like a branch in a tree you can see from your branch, and it's going on simultaneously to your own life as it is now, but it's in a different location. Parallel universe and all. It would have to take a genius like David Lynch to orchestrate such a plot design, and the reason I mention him is because it lends itself very much to a Twin Peaksish sort of surrealism. You'd have to do so many different scenes. It would be very quantum. Maybe it's just practically impossible to create something so complex, I don't know. I know it could be done from a programming software standpoint, but I'm not sure about about the practicality of actors and shooting and movie direction and creation and all.

Stan and I were wondering if we were "destined" to meet, somehow. Maybe we were supposed to meet on the east coast. But when Stan was born, his mother gave him up for adoption in Colorado (even though she lived on the east coast). Quickly, my life plans had to be changed by the script writers, so even though it was in the script that my parents would live on the east coast, the scriptwriters altered it so that they would have me to move to Colorado.

Or maybe I was destined to stay in Wisconsin, and although certain script details had to be changed so that I could meet Stan (first, the failed east-coast meeting, and then the successful western meeting), I somehow came back to the state where I was born.

Lately, I've been having mixed feelings about my time invested in this state.

I've invested a lot of time in several things here, only to feel in the end that I wasted my time. One was obviously a waste from the start, and that was graduate school. The second was the job at Depressions...I should've gotten out much sooner, but I'm glad I got out when I did and no later. The other was not so obvious, until you see it as it is nearing the end. And that is a friendship. You put in over 10 years only to realize the person never really knew you. He never ever had a clue what you were about. He never could fathom any of your loves and passions. He saw you just as a hologram, not flesh and blood and tears. The hologram was laughing, smiling, like the Cheshire Cat who disappeared but the smile stayed. But when the smile stopped, the hologram evaporated. He had nothing more to hang on to.

I go over it in my mind...how could I have been friends with someone who, when it came right down to it, had nothing in common with me? I'm about art, not just my art, but the appreciation of artists (filmmakers, musicians). All art was to them was something to laugh at. Movies were things to laugh at, not to get involved in, or to find deep meaning in. Music was only liked because the singer was cute (how utterly high school girl of him), not because he liked the MUSIC. He FOOLED me into thinking he actually liked it, until he told me he never really cared for music. I had been duped! I love my animals, vegetables and minerals (pets, houseplants and rock/gemstone collections). Other than the pets part, he had absolutely no appreciation for those things. But he had no pets of his own. He couldn't even care for himself, let alone another living being. And let's not even get into knowing anything about computers or the internet.

It's almost a completely opposite scenario than another friendship, a friendship I put decades into, only to realize being around that person was scary, possibly even life threatening. In this other situation, we had things in common, an appreciation of music and films, but he would get sinister when he was having a problem in his love life. This happened on a couple occasions, the final straw we just cut him out of our lives.

People are either nice but hollow, or they are deep but nasty.

I guess I'm glad I know someone who is nice and deep. I guess I should count myself lucky. But I still can't help feeling I was really, really stupid to be taken for such a long ride that went nowhere in the end. I'm just glad that Stan was on the same ride, at least we took it together.

5 Comments

A wild ride for the body, mind and soul, and now welcome a much more reclucive life style. There is so much to love about removing oneself from the endless flow of social life. It is so good to only have a few people in life that we feel very close to, and I would never trade this for any number of potential new friends.

Posted by Stan @ 03:07:2005:07:55 PM CST

"People are either nice but hollow, or they are deep but nasty."

I can't agree to this. I concider myself quite nice, thank you very much ;)

Glad you're satisfied with Stan though, it's hard to find someone.

Posted by Nico @ 03:08:2005:06:27 AM CST

Well, I WAS generalizing. ;-)

Posted by Ann @ 03:08:2005:08:54 AM CST

i've recently experienced a similar situation with a former friend. i don't know why i kept up with her, why i invested so much of my time and emotions in her, when we had nothing in common. what you wrote about art is so true--i am all about art. not just my art, but the art of other people. (fine art, music, movies, books, etc...) for her these things were disposable. i'd be so excited about my discovery of an important sub-theme in a song i had just listened to, and she would sort of...tune me out, mid-sentence. the only time she seemed interested in talking was when we talked about her life, her interests, and the things she wanted. i'm all for the differences among humans, but i think in this case, she couldn't have cared less about what i thought, or felt. i felt like i was boring to her--that as a person, i just wasn't good enough for her. in the end i felt used--she would often use me as an impromptu babysitter for her kids and as a sounding board when her life seemed overwhelming. but she didn't return the favor, and she didn't ever want to hear about my life, my thoughts, my feelings. it was really just depressing, in the end. i finally realized that it wasn't a situation that fostered growth for me, and i slowly cut her out of my life.

i suppose sometimes, we just have to do this. but it was very hard for me to do. (i consider myself a very sensitive person--i have agonized over whether i've caused her hurt in any way, but in the end, i don't think she has even noticed my absence from her life, other than she's now short a babysitter.)

bran is bitter much. :( i'm sorry! i don't know why i felt the need to share this with you, other than for the sake of sharing.

Posted by brandelion @ 03:19:2005:04:24 PM CST

Thanks Bran for sharing! Yes, the non-reciprocal thing really gets me. It's like when you try to express your feelings about something going bad in your life, they just sum it up with "it'll be ok" and then they'll move on to happy talk. Well, sometimes it won't be ok and sometimes it gets worse. It's as if they view you as a 2D cardboard cutout image.

Oh well, I could go on too much about this topic but I won't!

Posted by Ann @ 03:27:2005:09:42 AM CST

By Ann @ 14:49 PM CST:04:01:05 ..::Link::..

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