These are old archived entries from my journal, Ornamental Illness. I have eliminated all graphics (except those in context of an entry) to save on my bandwidth usage.

Please visit my other sites below. I promise they're more visually interesting.

Ornamental Illness main entry page

Ann-S-Thesia Web Graphics

Ann's Gemstone Jewelry

The Dingbatcave

Art Objects

Eyebalm Fine Art

Windowsill Cactus

Saturday, March 27, 2004

March 28th

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-eighth day of March.

Listening to THE PIPER AT THE GATES OF DAWN by the 15th path and according to the sign Aries, which is the 4th key and represents The Emperor card.

Hear the sound C natural and see the color scarlet. Here the soul encounters the Ruler who is as the Rising Sun Among the Mighty which is the constituting intelligence in the divine fire of creation that pierces the darkness of the cosmic night, and known as one of the four paths of heaven. While the soul was in incarnate form it perceived itself to have an ability to destroy and to procreate. This illusion seemed to animate the soul with a desire to want to make a permanent space for itself in the material world, but this was only a self deception. Under the delusion it seemed as if the soul could have been content to inhabit it's animal form for an eternity, but this was something merely imagined like an impossible fantasy. On this path the soul is freed from the self illusion of being a creator of destroyer who can inhabit a place in the animal world by its own Animate forces. The Ruler who is as the Rising Sun Among the Mighty is a passionate impetuous conquerer who can help the soul break through the illusion of having the ability to create and destroy. When thinking of the The Emperor card meditate on these lyrics: 'Wandering and dreaming the words had different meaning. Yes they did.'

Posted by Stan on 03/27/04@09:04 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Friday, March 26, 2004

March 27th

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-seventh day of March.

Listening to A SAUCERFUL OF SECRETS by the 16th path and according to the sign Taurus, which is the 5th key and represents The Hierophant card.

Hear the sound C sharp and see the color red orange. Here the soul encounters the Magus of the Eternity of Heaven who is the triumphal infinite intelligence, because it is the glory of all things which never perish in the material world, the intelligence of divine earth, and known as one of the 4 paths of heaven. All of the unexpressed potential of the realms of matter are removed form the soul on this path. Self deception is the foundation of what the soul has sought by seeking higher and eternal things. The soul's desire to be immortal is a useless illusion, because it is to imagine a desire for a thing that the soul already possesses. The soul has a phantom or illusionary wanting for immortality, which may have helped it to enter the material world in incarnate form, but becomes useless in the afterlife. On this path the soul rids itself of the false desire for immortality, and no longer imagines itself wanting eternal things. The illusion is like the soul seeing itself as a child who appears in innocence but wanton, mysterious and sinister too. The deception seems like a sadistic joke that the soul has played on itself at it's own expense. One becomes two by thinking and the mind appears as mind and thought until the deception is recognized. The Magus of the Eternity of Heaven helps the soul to become freed from the enslaving illusion of longing to attain something it already is. When thinking of the The Hierophant card meditate on these lyrics: ' is the time... To be aware, summoning his cosmic power and glowing slightly from his toes, his psychic emanations flowed.'

Posted by Stan on 03/26/04@08:15 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

DREAM last night


I had a very frightening dream last night. I dreamt I was in a very strange building...sort of like an art studio, sort of like a high school gymnasium, sort of like an odd, airy-architectured house. A woman approached me...I supposedly knew who she was in the dream, but I can't remember her face or anything about her. She was with another woman who I used to know--let's call her Meg. IRL, I was friends with Meg for a few years in grad school. Then I found out a terrible secret about her life, and I just couldn't continue to be friends with her. She thought I would be accepting of the situation, and probably for the longest time she thought I was, until my calling her became nil, and when she and her family stopped by (always unannounced), Stan and I weren't very hospitable. One time Stan and I were driving down Johnson Street and had planned to stop in at Bernie's, a rock shop. We saw her and her family walking outside the store, so we didn't go. We didn't even go home in fear that they would stop by. Instead, we took a short drive. Anyway, back to the dream: I guess the faceless woman was sort of a neutral party, neither friend nor foe, a go-between between me and Meg. I guess she knew Meg and realized we used to know eachother, so she wondered why we weren't in contact. Meg looked like she'd aged about 20 years in the 9 or so years since I saw her last. Her face was incredibly gaunt and bony. She looked like she'd lived a really hard life. She had an expression that sort of looked like she wanted to kill me, or chew me out. The faceless woman asked on Meg's behalf why I stopped staying in touch with her. I can't remember my first response, it might've been something like, 'I haven't kept in contact with a lot of people' or 'I was going through a really hard time during that period.' I do remember saying that Stan had lost his mind during that time. I didn't want to say the truth, that we were not there for their own amusement ('Let's stop by Ann and Stan's...they're always good for a laugh' is something Meg once told us when she and her husband were having a row and dropped in on us...unannounced...I mean how am I supposed to take that?), that they have no manners and don't call before stopping by, and when they do stop by their child traumatized our cats and dog, and that her sense of entitlement about her Graduate Teaching Assistantship annoyed me no end (she *HAD* to have that TA or else she couldn't continue through college because now she has a baby to support that she decided to have (oops) halfway through graduate school--that gave me the impression she felt 'a slave labor job in the community is OK for those people like Ann and Stan, but *I* MUST have a TA.' And last but not least, she married and had a child with a criminal. Not a drug dealer or a petty theif. Not an embezzler or some other kind of white collar criminal. No, she married and had a child with the worst kind of criminal on a criminal's own jailhouse ranking system...the lowest of the low, the kind that will never gain any kind of respect among the other imprisoned, in fact he was never imprisoned, he had probation for something like 20 years, at which time he couldn't have any contact with their own child unless Meg was present, nor could he have contact with his oldest daughter, the victim, from his first marriage unless Meg or her mother was present. No, I couldn't continue to be friends with these people. It shocked me and I felt filthy knowing this truth about him. And the fact Meg had his kid, and that she was incensed that some judge or probation officer or some legal person reprimanded her for doing such a thing and for putting the new baby in harm's way! I was on the side of the judge. But how could I say that to her? Best let this friendship die. I'll be boring. I'll be the kind of person she doesn't want to know. Best have her think she doesn't want to know won't sting as much. But now back to the dream: I could tell she'd been through hell in these past 9 years, I read it on her face. I asked her if she was still with 'Jim.' She said 'no, thank goodness,' and talked about how that marriage was doomed from the start. I was glad to hear that. But I still didn't want to be friends with her. I forgot how the dream ended.

Posted by Ann on 03/26/04@09:35 AM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Thursday, March 25, 2004

March 26th

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-sixth day of March.

Listening to UMMAGUMMA by the 17th path and according to the sign Gemini, which is the 6th key and represents The Lovers card.

Hear the sound D natural and see the color orange. Here the soul encounters the Child of the Oracular Voices of Heaven who is the disposing intelligence of divine air, and known as one of the four paths of heaven. There are duality's in the souls understanding of love both from it's former worldly state and while it proceeds on it's return to the realm of all divine things. The duplicity is collapsed because the need for love is only illusionary, and the soul's illusionary wanting for love is murdered here on this path. Love is a lingering illusion of separateness within the souls own illusionary vision of itself. The soul needs to be freed from it's illusions of love, and this is part of a death to the illusionary appearance of the soul's higher self. The Children of the Oracular Voices of Heaven help the soul in the murder of it's illusionary needs for love, and the soul's duplicity collapses with the absorption of one image into the other. When thinking of the The Lovers card meditate on these lyrics: 'Aye! A roar he cried frac the bottom of his heart that I would nay fall but as dead, dead as aye can be by his feet - de ya ken?'

Posted by Stan on 03/25/04@07:47 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

March 25th

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-fifth day of March.

Listening to MORE by the 18th path and according to sign Cancer, which is the 7th key and represents The Chariot card.

Hear the sound C sharp and see the color red orange. Here the soul encounters the Child of the Triumph of Light who is the intelligence of divine water and one of the 4 paths of heaven. The soul is limited by it's two opposing possibilities, to return to the material world in incarnate form and to return to the realm of all eternal things. The combined forces of these two directions form a hedge of limitations that act as a wheel that holds within itself a throne where the higher self of the soul rests as an appearance of itself. The soul must be released form both imagined possibilities in order to vanquish itself form this illusion of it's own appearance as a higher self. The appearance is falsely generated by the souls twin beliefs that it can enter the realm of eternal things or the realm of worldly things by the powers it's own illusionary higher self. The Child of the Triumph of Light helps the soul become released form both beliefs in this deception at once on this path. When thinking of the The Chariot card meditate on these lyrics: 'She is calling from the deep, summoning my soul to endless sleep.'

Posted by Stan on 03/24/04@06:57 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

March 24th

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-fourth day of March.

Listening to ATOM HEART MOTHER by the 19th path and according to the sign Leo, which is the 8th key and represents the Strength card.

Hear the sound E natural and see the color yellow green. Here the soul encounters the Daughter of the Flaming Sword who is the intelligence of pure spiritual being. She guards the gateway to the source of heaven's pure eternal understanding, which the soul will need now that it has finally left behind all that was necessary for having been incarnate. The soul's need for worldly pleasures are finally removed form the soul here on this path. The force which primarily releases the soul as it moves through the astral plane closer to its eternal home. The Daughter of the Flaming Sword purifies the soul's consciousness from the energy of radiant darkness. Worldly pleasures are the spell that most deeply invests the immortal soul into the material world as a living creatures. Even the pleasure of eating breakfast can be the most potent force that holds the soul like a captive in the material world. When thinking of the Strength card Meditate on the sounds of Alan's psychedelic breakfast.

Posted by Stan on 03/23/04@07:54 PM CST ..::Link::..2 Screamers.

Monday, March 22, 2004

March 23rd

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-third day of March.

Listening to MEDDLE by the 20th path and according to the sign Virgo, which is the 9th key and represents The Hermit card.

Hear the sound F natural and see the color yellowish green. Here the soul encounters the Magus of the Beautiful Eternal Voice who is the intelligence of divine will. By the will of heaven, the will of the soul and the will of the Hermit this path relieves the soul of all primordial animal desires. The desires necessary for survival in animal form are an unnecessary burden in the astral world. The primordial wisdom of desire protect the creature as much as possible from physical and mental pain, and there is a great deal of pain and suffering to be encountered while the soul is in incarnate form. Crossing this path in the astral world the Magus of the Beautiful Eternal Voice removes this earthbound wisdom from the soul freeing its own eternal intelligence from having to continue to carry the primordial mortal wisdom on it's passage through these paths. When thinking of the The Hermit card meditate on these lyrics: 'No one calls us to move on and no one forces down our eyes, no one speaks and no one tries, no one flies around the sun.'

Posted by Stan on 03/22/04@09:09 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

If I were a good man I'd understand the spaces between friends

I couldn't sleep last night as I wondered if Tim would be alive in the morning. His gums wouldn't stop bleeding even though he took some topical treatment for it. The nurse said that as long as it was only spotting, it would be ok. He refused to let Stan take him to the emergency room. He doesn't understand how this is hurting us. This is not good for my health either. I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart pound.

Stan decided not to call him in the morning to check in. I mean, what good would it do anyway? He either bled to death last night or he didn't, in which case he'll go to his teaching job like normal. There's only so much you can do.

So is it selfish of the sick to refuse treatment because that hurts the people that care about them, or is it selfish of the sick's friends to want the sick to accept treatment? Who is being selfish? I don't know the answer.

I did have a dream last night...something about Bill and a lizard I think, but I can't remember. I can't remember my dreams well at all lately, not since this Tim thing started happening.

I found online the 5 stages of grief: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. I don't think I'm going through this properly, but then again, it's probably all postmodern late 20th century psychobabble as so much of Stage and Steps therapy concepts are (with a twist of religion thrown in for populist appeal measure). See, I was really depressed over the holidays, shortly after we found out about Tim's condition. But I don't think it was related to was related to me and my own thing I was going through with my hatred for the holidays and parent and in-law problems. It seemed like I was in the Acceptance stage with Tim immediately. But I'm also in the Anger stage. And I can't get out of it. What's there to Deny? What's there to Bargain for? Nothing. There's not a DAMN thing I or Stan can do. We've tried...we've wanted him to quit smoking for a long time, we've supported him when he tried. But there's only so much you can help a person if they won't help themselves.

I never felt Tim took seriously our pet deaths, even though he cooed over them so much when they were alive. Not when Vladimir died, not when Natasha died, not even when Hieronymus, his favorite, died. I wonder if this is at the root of my feelings, because he wasn't compassionate enough when I needed it, that somehow this is blocking me for feeling true sadness about him. I feel anger instead. I feel my temper is short and there is only so much I can tolerate, even though intellectually I know I should be feeling differently. I just can't.

Posted by Ann on 03/22/04@09:57 AM CST ..::Link::..5 Screamers.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

March 22nd

This work called, Cabalistic Pink Floyd Tarot is written to honor the twenty-second day of March.

Listening to ATOM HEART MOTHER by the 21st path and according to the planet Jupiter, which is the 10th key and represents The Wheel of Fortune card.

Hear the sound A sharp and see the color violet. Here the soul encounters the Lord of the Forces of Life who is the intelligence of conciliation which touches every person in the material world with the benediction of its influence. Often envisioned as the wheel of the law which holds influence and power over all birth death, and rebirth. Within the turning of this wheel the acts of living an incarnate life in the material world are in themselves a prayer to heaven. The soul recognizes the eight sided wheel of delusions and sorrow and sees that every problem hides within itself it's own solution and and every error hides within itself it's own doom and undoing. The soul understands that in its incarnate life every ambition it once held in the material world also held the seeds of ambitions end. The words written on the wheel are 'all flesh is grass', and all mortal things abide in ceaseless change. No matter where the mortal life was spent rising or falling on the wheel of fortune the the Lord of the Forces of Life is benevolent to the soul on this path in the afterlife. When thinking of the Wheel of Fortune card meditate on these lyrics: 'If I were to sleep, I could dream. If I were afraid, I could hide. If I go insane, please don't put your wires in my brain.'

Posted by Stan on 03/21/04@08:13 PM CST ..::Link::..2 Screamers.

Bad Data

I left the radio on in the bedroom. I came back an hour or so later and a program, "A Way with Words" was on. A woman called in and was disturbed by the word "demonize." The hosts of the show questioned her about it, offering the possibility that it disturbs her because it has been rather over-used in our language as of late, which is understandable. But I could tell before she spoke that that wasn't the reason why it disturbed her, I could tell it was the word "demon" that concerned her, as she had said "demon" is such an awful word. But my reasoning was wrong. I thought it was because she was a devout Christian who sometimes have problems uttering such things. As silly as it sounds, I know this as a fact. I have an aunt-in-law who cannot bring herself to call my dog "Lucifer Sam." Instead she just calls him "Sam," as the utterance of "Lucifer" cannot come from her mouth. And my mother-in-law questioned why we would give such an awful name to such a sweet-looking little dog (she hasn't seen his rotten side though!). But I was wrong on my reason. The woman spoke about how she associates "demon" with the religious right and their rhetoric and how she hates all that. No, instead of the caller being a right-winger herself, she was a left-winger. She was part of the PC police, who thinks that by getting rid of certain words, you can modify people's behavior, and that we shouldn't even have certain words in our language because they can be "associated" with certain segments of society deemed undesirable.

After the radio show she probably went out to protest Mel G*bson's movie.

Far right, far left, they're all nuts.

And speaking of that movie, am I the only one in the world who doesn't care one damn way or another? I'm not going to see it; I could care less.

One time a long time ago I complained that someone was probably "on the rag" because said female was behaving quite bitchily. A woman in my presence told me I should never say that because someone could then say that about me. So? People probably have. So what? One out of four chances says they were right. Word police--blaaah.


Here's a problem I've been having with certain Christians: The whole "hate the sin, love the sinner" thing. In my years on this earth, I have come to realize why I do not get on well with these types. It's not my own prejudice...I am totally willing to be open to them as friends and acquaintances. I have no problem with that, as long as they don't try to prosyletize to me. They are the ones who are totally unaccepting of me. They can embrace sinners, but when you are not a "sinner" but yet you question their beliefs and religious structures, you become something else. You can't be classified as just a simple sinner who can be loved despite all the amoral bad things they are doing. You are something are a heretic, and that simple little slogan makes no mention of heretics. You *can* hate heresy *and* hate the heretic. To them, people who behave morally despite the fact they are not founded in a religion is like bad data. Their internal computer can't recognize the input, so it is coughed up and spit out.

Posted by Ann on 03/21/04@12:43 PM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Spring DREAM

I was travelling along a coast or a lakefront. I could almost reach my hand outside the car and feel the brush and shrubs on the water's edge go by. I tried to see the water, but it was hidden by cliffs. We parked, and Stan and I got out and walked. We walked until the water stopped us. It seemed more like a lake now as there were too many trees. I sat down by the water on a large rock and contemplated this small creek running by me. There was a katydid by the water. It wasn't drowning, it was happy...just sitting and chirping. On the other side of the creek, there were a couple young girls playing. I wanted to go to the other side of the creek, which would lead me even closer to the lake somehow, but I didn't want to get wet. It was too cold to get wet. But I could tell that the snow was melting and soon it would be summer.

Posted by Ann on 03/21/04@11:57 AM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?
By Stan @ 09:04 PM CST:03:27:04 ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?