ornamental

ILLNESS

Saturday, April 16, 2005

DREAM: Swedish Suicide Parlor

Stan and I were somewhere in some large city in some used record store (reocurring dream). There was a section with used magazines and various paper materials. I found an old postcard with Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd on it. I grabbed it. I think I bought it, but the dream changed. We were on Mulberry Street in Fort Collins near where we used to live on Grant Street. We were walking east. We were going to some funeral home where they also perform euthanasias. We were going to have ourselves killed. The weird thing was, we were on this suicide mission, but when we cossed the streets with turning cars, we were avoiding getting hit. I mean, why bother? I guess we really didn't want to die. Somehow we ended up at a woman's house who was about 60-70 or so. We didn't know her, but she was glad to see us. When we told her what we were doing, she suggested we go to some Funeral Parlor that began with C and sounded Swedish (Croneberg? something?) because they perform suicides there. She had adult children at her home who were visiting. They were 10-20 years younger than us. She showed us around her house. It was weird, but it was like we were living there...hard to explain. Somehow her kindness talked us out of the suicide plan. We had to leave. We wanted to thank the woman for her hospitality. I remember going to a yellow-colored bathroom with a weird lock on the door that I couldn't figure out. Someone walked in on me, but I wasn't in a compromised position or anything. Then I remember a bunch of small animals from a litter...tiny little 1-lb things with reddish-auburn long fur. I was at the top of a staircase, trying to prevent them from going down the stairs, but they tumbled anyway. I was afraid they were hurt. I don't know what kind of animal they were. I woke up shortly after that.

Posted by Ann on 04/16/05@08:54 AM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Erasure

A year ago, a house blew up a block and a half away.

I was discussing with Stan if there was a way to erase the 90s, like they never happened. Is there a way to make it so it never existed? Watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" on DVD last night. I had pondered this question yesterday before I even knew what this movie was about, which was quite a coincidence. I asked him if we would have B___h erased from our memory. We agreed that it would not be a good idea since knowing her and her ilk keeps us on our guard when encountering other DWs. A Won't Get Fooled Again sort of thing.

But maybe we could have graduate school erased. It would make us wonder why we're here, not in an existential way, but why we're *here*. In Madison.

"So Stan, did you ever wonder why we decided to move here?"

"We were getting tired of Fort Collins and Colorado."

"But why did we move to Wisconsin? Why not Eugene, Oregon? Or Tucson, Arizona? Didn't we want to move there?"

"I don't know...something about your relatives? You have relatives here?"

"Since when have we visited any relatives? They're all my mom's 15th cousins seven times removed. I have some dead ancestors here. That's about it."

"The climate? You said you liked it here when you would visit your grandmother because it was so green and lush."

"I also said it was damn humid. But I guess it is nice having green in summer, unlike Colorado that's green in May and that's it."

"See? Maybe that's why we moved here?"

"But there's something missing...it can't just be for THAT!"

"I have a job here...I'm probably making more than I would've made had we stayed in Colorado. We have a house here. There's no way we could've been able to have a house like this in Fort Collins."

"But that's working backwards, Stan. We have those things because we MOVED here. We didn't have them before we moved here."

Would graduate school just be erased, or would other memories as well? If certain memories are preserved, wouldn't there be gaps? Like why did I have weird hours at Depressions? The happy (at the time) memory of getting my graduate school acceptance letter in Fort Collins? Would those memories have to be erased as well in order for it to be more seamless? Would the entire 90s have to be erased? I've been thinking about this...Perhaps an entire decade could be removed from memory....I really wouldn't mind that...late spring 1989 - late spring 1999. Unfortunately, my best paintings came out of that decade. Would they be gone as well? Would we have blank walls? What would I have done with myself during that time? What about our pets? Would all the animals except Lucifer Sam just vanish? Or would just the memory of getting them (in the 90s) vanish? Would the erasers supplant other memories, false memories, in place of my true 90s memories? Good memories, or maybe even bland, innocuous memories, memories that wouldn't cause any intrigue so that I would search deeper into them. Maybe graduate school is a false memory, like a child with vivid imagination who invents a false memory of sexual abuse?

For me, graduate school was like the Junior High of adult life. And getting online and experiencing the whole web culture of the 90s was like the grade school of adult life. Both experiences were like being put back into a very immature and infantile setting with silly, petty, childish people.

So much of the 90s is already gone as far as places we've worked, people we've known, yet people we've known from the 80s are still with us. Literally, all that remains of the 90s IS memory. And I think I would like to remove it.

Posted by Ann on 04/13/05@06:46 PM CST ..::Link::..A Whisper Inside.

The Kids

I don't think people believe me when I say that all the animals, both cats and dogs, get along and will snuggle together. Here's a stealth shot I told Stan to take last night. They're not on the futon because Stan was on it working, because he wasn't. They don't snuggle up there because he's there...they snuggle up there because they like to snuggle there...with eachother. Persephone is at the upper right, Caligula is at the lower left. Plato is the Boston on the left, and Lucifer Sam is the Pug on the right.

Posted by Ann on 04/13/05@03:11 PM CST ..::Link::..2 Screamers.
By Ann @ 08:54 AM CST:04:16:05 ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?

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