Wednesday, July 21, 2004
DREAMs...Past Couple Nights
The night before last I dreamt some people had given me a dog. It was a younger dog, maybe about 25 pounds, black with white toes and bib, soft fur and with a snout, not a real long snout, but not like our push faces, mixed breed. The people who gave me the dog also gave me an ibook! I was confused why they were being so nice to me. I guess the dog was a pound puppy, and they thought we'd be good adoptive parents, saving its life. I was wondering how on earth we were going to manage 3 dogs...2 is quite a handful as it is, but we have 2 to keep eachother company (I personally think it's best, being an only child I don't want to raise my dogs as 'only dogs'). I woke up after the dream, but when I went back to sleep, I kept dreaming the same dream!
Last night I dreamt I was on a campus and the buildings were really old. I think I'm having a reocurring dream lately of being in a very old parking garage, in fact, it's so old it's like a Roman Collisseum...Pompeii Amphitheatre? It's very claustrophobic with many levels, very spooky to find your way out of.
Posted by Ann on 07/21/04@11:38 AM CST ..::Link::..Whisper or Scream?
Monday, July 19, 2004
Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar.
The dream I had the other night where Tim's voice was strong...it came true. Tim left a phone message for us, and when I talked to him, his voice really was strong, er, stronger...than it has been. I guess the dream was simply that, not a sign that he was communicating from the beyond, just a premonition of him acutally calling me, and me hearing his voice and it was stronger. Nothing more, nothing less. The only thing different in the dream was that he said he was all better now. Only better in the sense that they released him from the hospital. He had to go to the hospital on Thursday because he was having weird things going on with his heart; I guess his heart signs or whatever it was he called it was doing weird things. I guess his body is rejecting the valve, so they put him on some drugs for that. I asked Stan about that and he said it would lower your immune response so that your body wouldn't attack the 'intruder' mechanical valve. It's a real catch-22 because now you're immuno-compromised in an already weakened state. I guess he has to be on massive doses of antibiotics.
If this was me...I'd just be dead as I think I'm allergic to practically every sort of antibiotic out there.
I told my mom what had happened. Usually she is *overly* optimistic about *everything*: 'oh Ann, you worry so much about things/things will get better.' But this time she actually said not to leave much hope for the future with Tim. I guess I can say that what I went through this weekend was a dry run for the future. Forbidding any unforeseen tragic circumstances in my and Stan's life, i.e., car accidents, crazed murderers on rampages, house blowing up, etc., Tim will die before we do and we WILL have to deal with it. And that's what I'm fearing, having to deal with that again what I just went through. It was hell.
Posted by Ann on 07/19/04@08:27 AM CST ..::Link::..2 Screamers.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
So We Wait.
As I type this, I still do not know if Tim is alive or dead, although all signs point to the latter. No one has called us, and this can either mean that he has passed and his family is too busy preparing funeral arrangements and all the legal stuff one needs to take care of in a time like this, or he's hanging on to life support in the hospital and they don't want to call us until something happens one way or the other. There is also the third option, and that is that he's back at his condo, but his mom, who is taking care of him right now (what a horrible position to be in, on both sides) doesn't want us to see him because we'll make him laugh and although it would be good for his spirits, it's not good for his physical condition as it would weaken his chest or something.
When Stan gets home, I think it's time we call the hospital just to see if he's there, and if he's not, maybe call his friend Julie to see if she knows something we don't. I just couldn't face it yesterday. I was afraid *I* would have to be put in the hospital, either medical or mental.
I've never had an experience like this. I don't have many relatives...dead grandparents were always taken care of by my parents and I was very much out of the loop. Stan's mom and sister took care of Stan's dad when he died...Stan was 1000 miles away and even had a hard time getting off for the funeral and feared his job wouldn't even be there when he came back. The other friend I lost through death was almost 20 years ago, and by the time he ended his own life, we weren't that close any more because he had a slew of mental problems and was impossible to be around. I feared I couldn't go to his funeral because of another job situation (jobs don't take to you taking time off for funerals, and grieving families don't take to you not being able to attend funerals because of your jobs, and you're stuck in the middle and you want them ALL dead because they're so thickheaded and unable to compromise and accept people's difficult situations).
My mind keeps fluctuating whenever I think about it. I try to keep busy with the web, making jewelry (but I'm running out of bali and I can't order any more until after the 21st...don't ask), doing silly things helps. But my mind keeps going from 'if he was dead, his mom WOULD'VE called us by now, so he must be alive' to 'he's got to be dead, his mom would've called us by now if he was alive with an update' to 'he's hanging onto life support and they're waiting for something to happen one way or the other until they call us.'
Let's face it, it is simply not OUR place to call THEM in their time of trouble.
So we wait.