Saturday, April 6, 2002
DREAM
I had found out that a female couple that Stan and I used to know had gotten back together and were living together again. I found out where they lived and decided to pay them a visit, bringing a little Pilea plant that I'd propagated from a cutting for them as a present. When I arrived at their place, it was very strange. Their front door of their very dark apartment was open, but they had a table in front of it filled with other plants. I couldn't really enter their place because the table blocked the way. I took a glance into their living room and noticed their place was a mess...pots and pans stacked on coffee tables and furniture. One of the women came to the door; I didn't know where the other one was. She didn't realize I was giving the plant to her as a gift; she thought I was giving it to her in exchange for another plant. She didn't know which plant to offer me in return. I told her I didn't need one. I tried to explain the concept of gift to her, but it didn't make any difference. I came home with a leggy plant she offered me, and still lost their friendship.
Posted by Ann @ 09:09 AM CST ..::Link::..
Sore
Darn. I spoke too soon. I DID get Stan's sore throat. It's the kind that's up high around the nasal cavities. Those always hurt more than the ones that are low around the esophagus. I HATE sore throats. I'm going back to bed after I write my dream.
Posted by Ann @ 09:02 AM CST ..::Link::..
Friday, April 5, 2002
Cold
Naturally, I got Stan's cold. Fortunately, I didn't get the sore throat along with it. I haven't had a sore throat for several years now--odd, considering I used to get them constantly. Stan came down with his cold on Monday. I noticed I started to get it Wednesday. Yesterday I thought I licked it...I took a walk to the Post Office and probably should've worn my winter coat because I feel much worse today. But it's April...one shouldn't have to wear winter gear in April. Well, I'll try and rest for the next few days...too dizzy to do much else. I hate it when I'm inspired when I'm sick, and then when I'm well I get creative block. Why does this happen?
I wonder if I'll have to sleep on the futon tonight... Stan can sleep through my schnorking and sneezing better than I can sleep through his. I'm a very light sleeper.
Posted by Ann @ 06:34 PM CST ..::Link::..
Jealousy Girls
You know what's weird about that create-a-model thing via Lane Bryant? You can't create anyone larger than 350 pounds! Oh the irony. Isn't Lane Bryant for the large-sized woman? I created a 90-lb model (don't ask why...it's not important), and then it told me that it had no wardrobe available for a model of that size. But you can *create* a model as small as 50 lbs! So what's wrong with this picture? You can create thin models but have no clothes for them, but for a very very large model that will probably have a wardrobe for them at a real Lane Bryant brick and mortar store, can't be created online?
Scratching my head here.
Once upon a time when I was quite a bit thinner myself (guessing...108 pounds?) I went into a large-sized woman's store (don't know what the store was...it's not important). I forgot why I went in it...maybe I was looking for something I could wear loosely (remember the 80s when big shirts were in?)...maybe I just wandered in not knowing it was for large-sized women. I forgot. The saleswoman looked me up and down and told me to my face "There's nothing here that would be in your size, dear." How freakin' rude! Maybe I LIKED wearing big clothes. Or I could've been shopping for a gift for an oversized relative or friend. Well, they lost a customer for sure, regardless of whether I would've bought anything or not. Can you believe that? It really smacked of jealousy. The thing is, I was never one to make fun of overweight people. For a while as a teenager, all my best friends were fat. I never ridiculed them or made fun of them. I never made fun of fat strangers. So why, as a thin person (at the time) was I subjected to this woman's catty jealousy?
Just this morning I was remembering a time at an art opening when there was a woman with a scarf over her head. I assumed that it was because she had been receiving chemotherapy, as I couldn't see any hair beneath the scarf. Now as you may or may not know, I do have bountiful long, golden hair, not to brag, but I do. Did this woman give me dirty looks or what!?! Was she mad that I was "flaunting" my hair? I mean if you have it, grow it, right? I feel bad that she lost her hair, I feel bad that she's sick, but darn it, it's not my fault. Don't give me those dirty looks!!!!
Posted by Ann @ 10:25 AM CST ..::Link::..
DREAMs
This is the absolute stupidest, most ridiculous dream I've ever had. You know how dreams can wake you up in seizures of emotion, either happy or sad? Sad dreams cause you to wake up crying. Usually, once awake and recounting the dream, you can see why you were sad...a pet died, a lover left. Dreaming of frustrating situations cause me to wake up talking in my sleep either telling someone off or trying to explain myself. Again, once awake, I can see why I was angered enough for the verbal outburst. Every once in a while I'll have a dream that while dreaming it, I'll find extremely funny. But once awake, it won't seem funny...it'll just seem moronic. This was such a dream:
I was looking at underwear in a department store. Some packs of underwear came with a free Quasimodo plastic toy (like that badly done Disney cartoon character, not like the original Victor Hugo character of pathos). Other women were looking at the underwear too. We were all stumped by why they were offering a free Quadimodo toy with them. Then someone said something like "It gives a new meaning to cleaning you out," implying the toy would come alive and...clean you down there while you're wearing the underwear.
I woke up in fits of laughter and couldn't stop. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending) Stan was sleeping on the futon in the living room because he has been sick with a cold, so he didn't hear me.
See, isn't that just stupid? What's funny about it? Nothing. What is funny, is that I would find something like that funny. So I guess it is funny in a removed sense.
Later at night I had a dream that I was on the other futon in the living room, my butt up in the air, and I was wearing no pants. I realized people might be able to see me through the windows...it worried me a little, especially since I had the anatomy of a man. Weird.
Just weird.
Posted by Ann @ 09:58 AM CST ..::Link::..
Thursday, April 4, 2002
More Accurate Avatars
I did these in Poser and Photoshop over two years ago for a personal project. They're a little more accurate in terms of character than the Lane Bryant ones, although we still look weird. (Do you know how hard it is to give a guy a ponytail in Poser without making him look like a girl?) I've always found Poser a little hard to manipulate, not to mention limiting. We look like we're about to dance to the Sprockets tune...Stan especially turned out quite Dieter-esque here.
Oh well. Maybe if you hybridize the LB with this one, you'd get the most accurate representation. Of course photographs would be nice too, huh? But that's cheating. ;-D
Posted by Ann @ 08:23 AM CST ..::Link::..
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
DREAM
I remember finding a houseplant that was stored up high in a corner atop a dresser in a basement room in my house, which actually looked like the basement room I lived in at my parent's house the last year I lived with them. I was glad to find another plant to add to my collection, although it escapes me now that I'm awake what kind of plant it was. I picked it up to move it, and found yet another plant behind it, an arrowhead vine, but it was mostly dried up.
I was with my parents and going to a nice restaurant with them. The waitress seated us at a table on the 2nd floor where we were alone. I remember asking my parents if they could remember if we ordered something on the menu once before...tea or something. They couldn't remember. It was snowing outside and my dad started messing with something outside, like doing home or car maintenance. He was lying on the ground, fiddling with something near the sidewalk. You know how in a dream you can be two places at once, i.e., inside a restaurant and outside on the sidewalk at the same time? This is what it was like. I was really embarrassed that my dad would do that before the waitress came to take our orders. My mom and I apologized for my dad to the waitress. Then the waitress handed me what appeared to be a menu, but it was like a book of architectural detail of old homes. It had that "pop out" quality to it, where the images in the book were constructed out of paper that folded out into a three-dimensional form when you opened to that page. It was rather fascinating. Then it degenerated when the book on architecture turned into a receptacle of email. I remember reading one from some guy wishing me a happy birthday (it's not my birthday) with a bunch of "oooh baby" and "ur gonna have a hot time". It was just moronic.
Posted by Ann @ 09:59 AM CST ..::Link::..
Tuesday, April 2, 2002
The Avatars to End All Avatars
This is so cool! I created a virtual Ann and Stan over at Lane Bryant! Certainly puts all the other avatar creators to shame. In case you're wondering why I'm clothed and Stan isn't, it isn't a case of objectifying the male body...it's because there weren't any male wardrobes available. Bummer. It's sort of flakey...when I first found the link via the site map on the LB site, I was able to create the me you see to the left. Then when I logged in again via the email they send you once you join, I tried to recreate myself to adjust a few details, but I wasn't presented with the long hair option you see here (not that my hair seems very long here...in reality it's MUCH longer! And wavier.). The first link didn't allow for the creation of the male either; the second link did. Go figure. Also, the male options don't have a long-hair/ponytail dude option, so Stan's hair would only look this way if he cut it. And they didn't really have a slowly-balding guy option either, so Stan's hairline is a little higher. Oh, and unless you're flat-chested, select the medium-large bust size...mine still seem too small here even so. And everyone looks like a 20-something. But it's pretty cool, huh? What a nifty online gadget.
Link found via Wow, Smell This.
Posted by Ann @ 11:36 AM CST ..::Link::..
DREAM
I can't remember all of my dreams, just fragments.
I dreamt we had five Bostons, one of which was Plato. The other four we named after each of the Beatles. I guess that would make Plato the Fifth Beatle.
I dreamt I was talking to a friend from High School, but she didn't look like how I remembered her. We were talking about computers or something, and I told her I never go to EBay. She said she was addicted.
I was watching TV, and they were doing a showcase on some woman who was militantl anti-Palestinian. She was sitting in one of those motorized scooter/wheelchair things that people who can't walk use, however she wasn't permanently affected...she'd just been in the hospital for some reason. She was very tall and skinny and had very large breasts and red hair with a really wide face. She overdid her make-up and was quite hideous, and quite a nasty personality.
I know there were more dreams, but I just can't remember them now. I do remember a dream I had the night before that I didn't include in yesterday's dreams. I looked outside our front window and noticed that a neighbor across the street was throwing away a bunch of houseplants on the curb for the garbage collectors to pick them up. I wanted to go outside and rescue the plants, but for some reason I couldn't.
Posted by Ann @ 10:00 AM CST ..::Link::..
Monday, April 1, 2002
Walking on Water or Treading on Thin Ice?
Do you ever find a site by someone and you're totally confused by whether you really, really like them, or if they actually scare you a bit? You like them on one level, on the ironic level that most people just don't get. They have a sense of irony and humour, they're obviously very intelligent, and you certainly don't dislike them for the reason many people dislike them or find them offensive, that being what is perceived to be their sacrilegous nature. You see that they have a good understanding of music, both classical and hardcore, but not much in the middle (similar to myself, actually). They're well-read, appreciate good food of the near and far east, yet at the same time there's this underlying current to them that you find a bit frightening. Maybe it's because they support the NRA. Maybe it's because they're seeking a woman of Germanic/Norse heritage (despite my blondeness, neither of which I am--anyway, I'm married and waaaay to old for him and don't live anywhere near DC). Maybe those things, combined with their fascination of German philosophy, remind you of things you fear...the underlayment of Nazi philosophy perhaps. Yet at the same time, they appreciate Nirvana. Go figure.
Who and what site am I talking about? Why Jesus.com of course.
Posted by Ann @ 09:57 AM CST ..::Link::..
DREAM
This was a really disturbing dream. I was in a convenience store, but it had shopping carts like a real supermarket. I don't know if I was just shopping there or if I worked there. There was a female worker who really hated me and kept pushing a cart up against me. She was a real nasty piece of work. The manager was sort of a slacker and he acted like conflicts didn't exist. There was also another female worker there who also hated me. It was like these people were ganging up on me, and I didn't know how to get out of the situation (I guess I couldn't leave...you know how dreams are). They kept bothering me like swiping their hands across me in an act of disgust.
Posted by Ann @ 09:43 AM CST ..::Link::..
My Confession
I have been thinking about this for quite some time now, and realize that I really should admit certain things about myself. I hate living a lie, and I feel like those of you who know me by reading this journal only know a part of me. Yes, I did move 1000 miles away from my family to a liberal town called Madison, Wisconsin. I have always written about it in the pretense of going to graduate school. Yes, I did go to graduate school, but that wasn't the reason I moved. I moved because of the extreme prejudice I was facing.
I hope you people who read this will understand; if I lose a few readers in the process, so be it. But I feel I really must admit this so that you can continue to read this journal in the future with greater understanding. I have not always been Ann. I was born male. I was born Andrew. I was also sexually confused as a child, and in my late 20s I got a hormone therapy to become a woman. I moved to Madison to get the final operation. The reason pictures you've seen of me I look so much like a woman is because I NEVER looked very masculine. I was always short, and not good at sports. I am so incredibly fortunate that Stan stayed with me through all of this. I am hoping that no one reading this will hold this against me.
More to come on this topic, but I felt like I had to once and for all get it out in the open.
For more information I've gathered on my transgenderment, please look here.
Posted by Ann @ 08:20 AM CST ..::Link::..
Sunday, March 31, 2002
DREAM
First, an IRL Preface/History/Explanation/Background: Back in the 80s, there was this material that became available at art supply stores. It was the texture of a stiff ribbon, but crinkled. Some of it came on rolls, sold like fabric, anywhere from a foot to three feet wide. Some of it came in sheets of only a foot square. It was expensive, multicolored, and irridescent. The textures varied, as did the prices. The more flexible, soft material with richer jewel tones was quite expensive, the more pastel stiffer stuff was less so. They called it "Nuclear" at Meininger's in Denver, although I don't know what its official name was, if it even had an official name. I suspect it came about as an accident...someone was making some flat plastic sheets with an iridescent coating, accidentally heated it too much and voila, crinkly Nuclear was born. I incorporated some of it into my art, but the price prohibited me from incorporating copius amounts of it. I'm sure you've all seen iridescent celophane...it was similar to that, except Nuclear had a stiffer plastic backing on it. Nuclear is very hard to find anymore. It's a shame...it was such neat stuff.
Also, I've never been a Tom Petty fan. Don't dislike him...just not a fan.
Now the dream.
I was sitting at a desk in a strange room, part library, part pet store. I was in the area where the fish tanks were. There was a Tom Petty song playing in the background, and the lyrics had something to do about swimming vs. walking vs. flying. There was a mother with a young girl looking at the fish tanks. The mother was explaining to her daughter why fish can only swim. I thought this was very ironic since she was basically saying very similar things to the song, however I knew that she was unaware of the music playing because she appeared to be one of those oblivious-to-music types. Then the daughter sat down next to me at another chair and desk area. I was writing something down in a small notebook, probably about the coincidence of the Tom Petty song and what her mother was telling her. I didn't want her to see it...I kept trying to move the notebook out of her view, but she kept straining to see it. As this was happening, I kept finding pieces of Nuclear in my mouth, small pieces about 3/4 of an inch square. I would try and discreetly remove them from my mouth, hoping no one would notice my taking stuff out of my mouth. As soon as I removed a piece, I'd find more pieces in my mouth. It got to the point that I annonced to the girl, "I have all these pieces in my mouth and I need to get them out." Then I opened my mouth and large amounts of Nuclear poured out, this time in even larger sections. It wasn't throwing up...it was as if this stuff had accumulated in my teeth and I was fishing it out like old pieces of popcorn kernels that the toothbrush didn't get. Soon I had a bag full of Nuclear, and eventually not just Nuclear but that Craft Fur stuff too. I realized this stuff was too good to throw out.