Monthly Archives: May 2010

Crying My Eyes Out

I had started crying my eyes out over a month ago when Plato first showed signs of going downhill quickly. I was preparing for that day for a while, yet it always comes too soon, and Stan and I wish we could both hold him just one last time. However if we had that last time, we’d always want one more last time after that.

I keep thinking of all these things to write down, short remembrances of him, like the day we brought him home, and when he (and we) discovered beds and how he was “good in bed” (he just lied down and slept, unlike our then-pug, Hieronymus, who would chase around on them and do a bad doggy potty thing).

I remembered when we travelled with Plato when he was still just a few months old to go to Stan’s Dad’s funeral, and then when he was about a year old to go up north to the UP to see the Paulding lights. I remember a photo of him with Hieronymus and a gigantic mushroom.  I remember his silly tricks like “go get the hair tie”, and how he would spin around on the futon and stop and stare at my paintings on the wall, as if the metallic cosmos-like reflections did something to his imagination.

I remembered how up until recently he would snuggle with me and Lucifer Sam on my futon under a blanket in the middle of the day.

I remember so many things, too many to recount.

In the early morning of  Thursday, May 27, 2010, I awoke to a horrible dream. I dreamt that Stan had a bunch of blue crushed up crystals that looked like Azurite. But I knew what it was, it was Cyanide. He said that we could take it because life had gotten horrible. At that moment, this strange feeling swept through my body, still dreaming, and I started to see our situation from a strange and scary perspective. I did not want to die, yet I was frightened that Stan thought it was so awful. I told him no, I was not ready, that if I was in terrible physical pain I would consider it, but not now. I woke up and cried my eyes out.

That night we had put Plato upstairs in the air-conditioning to try to calm him and cool him, yet he still barked all night. Stan slept with earplugs. I could still hear him. Early in the morning when Stan got up for the early shift, I recounted my dream, and tried to get him to stay home. See, I’m an oracle. Oracles speak in strange words and images that don’t always make sense. He went to work anyway.

Plato would not settle down that morning. He was constantly asking me to take him outside to relieve himself, he was constantly panting from pain. He was maxed out on the highest dose our vet allowed us to give him of the painkillers. Even though he had regained his appetite a bit and was eating regular dog food and his poo was more normal-looking, he was crying in pain more and more when one tried to pick him up because he could not lift himself up.

Stan called from work and we discussed it. We realized he was trying to tell us he wanted to go…it was time. He made an appointment with the vet for later that afternoon, and around 2:45-3:00 pm he left this world.

I still cannot stop crying


Plato regained his appetite and is now eating canned dog food. It’s sort of limbo land. I seriously did not expect him to get his appetite back. A couple weeks ago, I thought he’d be gone by now. He has the worse time getting up and sitting down, however is walking…slow, but walking, even faster than a couple weeks ago.

I have no idea what is going on. It’s sort of like LOST…he was supposed to die in a plane crash, but he’s still on an island trying to survive. Weird metaphor, but closest I can describe. Maybe he just needs to let go, but he’s so clingy.


I’m very much a beginner with WordPress. Back in the early days during the first exodus away from Blogger (nearly 10 years ago), I used Greymatter. Talk about slashing wrists…next time I have to install a php script, this non-geek ann-alog girl is hiring someone. I heard of WordPress, but thought it was something you had to PAY to use. I guess maybe that’s true if you host it at their site, but I didn’t realize I could install WP on my own site via Fantastico in my CPanel (I just totally confused Stan…he’s less geeky than I am). Anyway the installation was quick and easy and didn’t leave me confused as did Zen-Cart (I worked out a trade with someone who’s hired me in the past to do graphics, so she installed it for me after my feeble Fantastico installs with it…wasted 2 of my MSQL or whatever they’re called…things…see, I can’t even get the language right, but I digress).

Anyway, WP gives you these avatars. I’m not really sure I understand it all, but if you take a look at the comments in my last posting, and control-click on the avatars for Stan or me, bring up a new tab or window, you’ll see that they’re not hosted on They’re hosted at Now see that long string of numbers in the /avatar/ directory? see the last end: =48&d=monsterid&r=PG. Change that =48 to =80 so you can see a larger image. Heck, turn it up to 11…111. Whatever size you’re comfortable with. Now take that long string of alphanumeric characters…play around with that…change the numbers and letters. The avatar image changes. There literally must be (Sagan voice) billions and billions of these “generated” images! How infreakin’ credibly cool is that? How do they do that? I wish I knew how to do something like that, customize it to this site.

I’ve been using the “Monster ID”…I think I’ll try a “Wavatar” just to see what it does. I can always switch back. Not really big on the “Identicon” because it’s just too ubiquitous…I see those on too many other WP sites.

Not Even Meat

Plato is still hanging in there, but I know the end is so close. A few weeks ago he still ate regular dog food. Last week he would only nibble at canned food, and recently only allowed us to feed him real meat. Now he is refusing real meat. I was able to get some Trader Joe’s Dog Snacks down him. He still eats those.

He is sleeping more now. Last week was very restless, waking up all the time to take him out. But now he lets us sleep more. Stan had the last couple nights because I have been completely wiped out. I will have to stay with Plato when he works the early shift next week, though.

His breathing, which used to be labored because of his enlarged heart, is now slowing down. I have prepared myself for this for a long time, but it still breaks me up each time I face the inevitable.

I have spent over $400 in the recent weeks at the vet’s. They can’t find anything wrong except for the enlarged heart, which we’ve known about for some time and are treating with Furosamide and Enalapril (sp?). They think his pain is due to arthritis. They could do a (sonogram? radiography?) but last time we put him through that, it was a dreadful time coming out of the sedation. I am not putting him through that again.

We are just giving him as much comfort as we can. We’ll know when he wants to go, when he refuses all food and water and when he’s lost all desire for pleasure. We knew that when Persephone’s time  had ended and we had her put to sleep. Right now, Plato still loves to go for rides. We always put our dogs in their kennels when we travel with them, and when Stan takes the kennel out, Plato always barks so he won’t be left behind. Last night, despite his lameness, he followed Stan out to the van, up the incline to the parking stall. It was the cutest thing.

No Time

There has been no time for a life while running Plato’s Nursing Home. Stan had a few days off that he’d requested months ago to get work done in the garden and on the house. Ha! Most all time was spent doting on Plato and making life better for him. Shopping for pajamas at Target may not seem related to Plato, but it is, considering I never wear pajamas. We’re taking turns staying with him at night in the living room, and running him outside in the middle of the night. Which means I have to be clothed somewhat to at least stand at the backdoor while I wait for Plato. I wouldn’t be able to do that in my normal nighttime attire.

When we go grocery shopping we take him with us. He loves car rides and is the best behaved when we he is a passenger in motion.

I just got interrupted with a phone call and have lost my train of thought. It derails a lot lately.

The last year

I have been through so much. Within the past few weeks, I have been through so much turmoil as my beautiful Boston Terrier, Plato is dying.

Plato is over 13 years old. I do not believe he can make it to 14 in August. He has an enlarged heart and heart murmur. He was diagnosed with this condition last year, yet all the time he was very agile and seemed normal, except he wasn’t active as he used to be.

A few weeks ago, he decided it was time to get old. He started to limp, then scream in pain. He can no longer walk more than a few steps. Stan and I transport him outside to use the potty. He sits on a pillow when eating. Soon he will lose his appetite altogether. Then I know it will be time to let go. I am in tears as I write this. I have been in tears constantly since this started.